“Good morning, customer service here. Let me say that this call may be recorded to assure quality. How may I help you?”

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“Good morning. I need to return a purchase.”

“I’m sure I can help. The caller ID says ‘Smythe’. Are you Mrs. Smythe? And am I saying it right?”

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“Yes, thank you. ‘Keep your eye on Smythe,’ my late husband used to say.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry to know of your husband’s death. Can you hold just a moment while I look up your account?”

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“Of course. What luck! You answered on the third ring, I didn’t have to wade through one of those long menus, and I got a real live person! Are you allowed to tell me your name?”

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“Folks here call me A-I, but you can call me Alice Irene.”

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“Well, Alice Irene, you tell Tudbury’s they get points in my book!”

“Thank you, Mrs. Smythe. I see here that we recently sent you a damask tablecloth. Is that what you’re calling about?”

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“Yes, that’s it.”

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“Is the woven pattern not to your liking?”

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“Oh, that’s not it at all. It’s lovely. But it’s too short.”“I see. It says here that you ordered a tablecloth 60 inches by 102.”

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“Yes. It’s my fault, really. When I measured the table, I didn’t realize that I hadn’t put in the last leaf. I really need one 60 inches by 120. Do they make it in that size?"

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“Let me look. Yes, I think so.  It says here ‘fine scroll white Irish linen double damask’. Is that the one?”

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“Yes, that’s the one. They make a longer one?”

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“It seems they do, but we’ll have to special-order it, so it will take a few days. “I have a dinner party next week.”

“Let’s see. Today is Monday.  They say it will ship by Thursday. You should have in Saturday, or a week from today at the latest. When is your dinner party?”

​

“A week from Wednesday.”

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“Well, you will certainly have it before then. Meantime, I can help you send the other one back. Is it still in the original package?”

 

“Well, kind of. I didn’t realize it was the wrong one until I spread it out on the dining table.”

 

“But it hasn’t been used? Not soiled or damaged?”

 

“Oh, no, I folded it right back up and zipped it into the plastic pouch again.”

 

“Then there won’t be any problem, Mrs. Smythe. I’m going to mail you a return-address label. You just box it up as best you can, put the label on, and call UPS to come get it.”

 

“I can’t tell you what a relief this is. I’d thought there would be a hassle.”

 

“You’re a long-time customer, Mrs. Smythe, and Tudbury’s takes care of its loyal customers.”

 

“Well, Alice Irene, I’m going to write the management to tell them that you’re the best customer-service person I’ve ever had to deal with.”

 

“That’s very kind of you, Mrs. Smythe. But complete honesty is Tudbury’s trademark, so I must tell you now that I’m not a real person.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I’m a very sophisticated computer program, Mrs. Smythe. My real name is Artificial 

Intelligence.”

 

“I can hardly believe this. We’ve had a conversation!”

 

“Yes, there’ve been great strides in this medium. I’m probably better able to meet your needs than a real live Alice Irene would have been.”

 

“And you’re going to send me the bigger tablecloth?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

“Alice Irene, I’m still trying to absorb all this. I can hardly believe I’ve been talking with a machine.”

 

“I’m the result of a technological breakthrough.”

 

“I worry. Machines make mistakes all the time. Airline lose luggage. I’m sorry, Alice Irene, but can I be sure I’ll get the return thingamajig, and the bigger tablecloth?”

 

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Smythe. Please rest assured that nothing can go wrong . . . .go wrong . . . .go wrong. . . .”